Fire Emblem By Web
by Link015
Summary: [Warning: Supreme Randomness Inside] The Ryerden Border Patrol had one mission in life. To guard their home country with loyalty and dedication. So what was all this about picking berries? That wasn't their job, was it?


Chris: Hi. I better post up some warning about this story/one-shot you are about to read. One, it's really random/stupid. Two, it has inside jokes known only to the people who inhabit the Fire Emblem forums known as Merlinus's Tent. Three, it's stupid and it's based off of an only Fire Emblem game. Four, these characters are all OCs. And chances are the people who made them will be upset that I made their characters OoC. I dunno, actually.

But now that you've been warned…And you still want to read this, go ahead and enjoy!

Note: Don't own Fire Emblem.

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**Encounter: Beyond the Borders**

"Tell me again why we're doing this." A young archer with long brown hair and an irritated frown looked back at his companions, leaning his bow against his shoulder. He blinked his dark green eyes, shaking his head angrily. "I know we're the Ryerden Border Patrol, but going out here just for the sake of gathering some fruit? Come on, we're not that useless, are we?"

"That's because we, as members of this elite force of soldiers, are bound by our duty to fulfill the orders of our Marquess." Takada, his face barely visible from the metal helm that covered a greater portion of his head, intoned, sounding more like a priest at a church than a knight going out to pick berries.

"Take that lance and shove it in your ass, Takada." Harvest grumbled. "No one cares to hear about your stupid self-righteous junk."

"Harvest, Harvest! What would the Marquess say if he heard you talking like that?" Makathos, the only thief in the Ryerden Border Patrol, smirked as he carefully lifted a couple of coins out of the archer's pouch.

"Probably give him a medal…" Sayan murmured under his breath, cradling his magic tome under his arm. He shot a dark look at Takada's armored back, muttering a select curse he learned from the Kathlati streets. "Damn knight…Always insisting I exercise…I oughta burn his room down."

"I'm not a part of this group, I'm not a part of this group…" The last available member of the border patrol, a young swordsman by the name of Tharron, just followed after everyone else, trying to pretend he was back at home with his girlfriend and that he wasn't here with a bunch of lunatics. He wasn't successful, but it made him feel a lot better knowing that he wasn't _always_ with them.

"Why are we going near Caelin anyway? Aren't there enough berries or whatever near Ryerde?" Harvest complained. "This sucks!"

"Yeeaaah…We _were_ supposed to be near Ryerde. We got lost, remember? That's why we're heading towards Caelin in the first place." Makathos sighed, scratching the top of his sandy-haired head distractedly as he scanned the countryside for any trouble. His eyes narrowed as he saw a disturbance ahead of them and he waved to the others. "Hey, looks like it's our job to find out what's going on."

"All right! Some action!" Sayan cheered, running towards the range of hills and forests in the distance. Makathos and Takada quickly followed him, leaving Harvest and Tharron just staying behind.

"This isn't even near Ryerde!" Harvest bellowed. Heaving a sigh when he saw that no one was listening to him, he just ran after his comrades. "Inept morons…"

"I'm back at home, I'm not a part of this nutcase group, this is allll a bad dream…"

_---_

"Listen up! We are the members of the Lycian Resistance Force and we will never back down, got that! We fight for truth, justice, and the salvation of all!"

"Wait, we have to fight? I only joined this thing because I was bored! You didn't tell me there was fighting involved!" Rikis protested, holding his sword up high. His long, blond hair fell in a single ponytail down his back and he gazed astonishingly at the wyvern rider. "No way, now this whole thing sounds too dangerous."

"Rikis, don't be a fool!" Tylercd (often called Tyler) reprimanded. "Have you seen the horrible state of our world today? Sacaens are treated no better than animals and the port of Badon has a democracy! Where is the justice? Where is the justice?"

"He's right, you know. 'Tis a baaad world we live in." Relyte, the last remaining member of the resistance, shook his head. A nomad from the plain of Sacae, his criss-crossed brown and green bandanna covered up almost all of his dark-green hair. "My ancestors are shining upon me and this holy quest we are embarking on."

"There's a Lycian infidel right now!" Tyler shouted, conveniently forgetting that as a Lycian, he was calling himself an infidel as well. "Die, you corporate piece of trash!"

He mounted his wyvern and charged across the lake that separated them from another group of Lycian soldiers, ones that wore the armor of the Ryerden Border Patrol. Relyte and Rikis looked at each other.

"What do we do now?" Relyte asked.

"I dunno."

_---_

"For the glory of Santaruz, we shall eliminate the foul, dirty, lowlifes that make up the Lycian Resistance Group! It is our mission, as sanctioned by our holy, ever-truthful marquess! We shall destroy these grimy rebels and throw them into the deepest dungeons!" A triumphant looking nomad crossed his arms, staring straight ahead of him with a satisfied smirk. "Sauce, go out and stomp those rebels flat!"

"But…" A knight with a suffering look on his face pulled off his helmet and looked at the nomad. "My name isn't even Sauce…"

"Your name is Sauce because _I_ say your name is Sauce!" The nomad suddenly transfixed his death glare on the knight and Sauce put his helmet back on. "Tina! Tina, where are you?"

"You didn't bring your secretary, Nem." NM, a mage with a decidedly scary look on his face, cackled to himself and rubbed his fingers together. "Perrrrfect…Soon, the world will bow at my feet!"

"What's that you say? The whole world? That's pretty big, if I do say so myself." En Em, a monk that was seemingly granted more magic than brains, hummed to himself. "You know, I bet the world is a pretty large place."

"Help me! I can't get off!"

There was a cry from the skies and everyone looked up to see Victor, the last member of the Official Santaruz Evil-Slaying and World-Conquering Brigade, struggling with his wyvern as he tried to not topple from the saddle. Victor was just a little kid, barely older than ten, and it was a wonder how he ever got to become part of the brigade anyway. The Marquess said it was because Victor was the only one who could actually ride the wyvern (Who was conveniently named Mr. Snuggles), but since the Marquess was also crazy, you couldn't take his words for truth.

"Ignore him! Onward for the glory of Santaruz and for the liquor that is our paycheck!" NM pointed his finger outward towards the Lycian Resistance Forces. "No one shall stop us, except for a scantily clad female!"

_---_

"My Sol could seriously kick your ass! Don't even think that you stand a chance!" Fred, one of the lucky (or unlucky) cavaliers of Kathelet, shouted to his fellow cavalier. "I would combo you into submission, then do a Roman Cancel, and then finish you off with a Dragon Install!"

"We'll see about that." Brian, the other cavalier in the infamous Red/Green combo, replied, looking calmly ahead as he rode towards the hills that marked one of the battlefield sights of Lady Lyndis of Caelin. "Is it true we were sent here on a sightseeing tour? Because if we were…I could be getting in some serious Guilty Gear action right now."

"Silly Brian! You shouldn't be playing games right now! We're here too retrace the steps that the noble Lady Lyndis took on her journey to take back her rightful throne! No moping now." Kate, the healer of the group, bopped Brian over his black-haired head. "Now, pay attention. Here, Lady Lyndis fought a bunch of bandits who wanted to kill her."

"Like those bandits over there?" Fred pointed to a group of five soldiers in front of him. "They look pretty banditish. Man, if only I could get Ash Crimson over here. He'd wipe them in an instant."

"No! I don't want any fighting on this trip, right Popuri?" Kate looked over to the pegasus knight, who nodded rapidly, her pink curls waving in the wind. "See? She agrees with me. Now, let's just wait to see what happens and enjoy our trip, mmkays?"

_---_

"I'm not here, I'm not here, I'm definitely not here…"

"Hey Tharron, watch out!"

"What?" Tharron quickly whipped out his sword and managed to deflect a lance that was aimed at his chest. The iron tip grazed against his chest, however, and he staggered backwards, stunned. "Where'd you come from?"

"Fear the might of the Lycian Resistance Force! Our justice shall ring out through the lands!" Tyler crowed in triumph as he looked down at the wounded swordsman. His dark-purple eyes glinted with battle lust as he prepared to attack again. However, before he could hit, he slammed into an invisible barrier and fell off of his wyvern. "Ow! By Elimine, what the hell was that?"

"You only get one attack, my friend. You can't move again. Which means I'm free to do this." Sayan smirked, lighting a ball of fire in his hand. He tossed it up and down, smirking at Tyler's braid. "Hair is flammable, right?"

"H-Hey, you wouldn't attack the hair, would you?" Tyler flew back in the sky, watching the mage warily. "My hair is everything to me."

"Just watch me try!" Sayan flung the flaming ball of miniature mass destruction up at Tyler, only to watch as the fireball dissipated into thin air just centimeters away from Tyler's hair. The mage stamped on the ground angrily, cursing. "Of all the rotten luck! I can't believe this!"

"Sigh…Let me handle it…" Harvest brought out his bow and notched an arrow. Smirking to himself, he aimed at the wyvern, imagining a set of crosshairs focusing right on the rider's neck. He released the bowstring, watching the arrow travel through the air and with precise accuracy, slice off Tyler's braid. Harvest frowned slightly before smirking again. "Not what I was expecting, but this'll work."

"Agh, my beautiful hair!" Tyler shrieked in agony. He pointed his lance at Harvest, his eyes blazing with righteous anger. "If I could move again, I would slice your body into ribbons! You shall pay for your merciless attack!"

"What? Our attack? Who was the idiot who was yelling 'Vive le Resistance!' or something stupid like that?" Harvest snapped scornfully. "You totally deserved it, jerkass."

"Uh, guys, we have another problem…" Sayan muttered, pointing to the north. "Apparently, our good friend Takada spotted some other people and thought it would be all fine and dandy to go kick their asses. Makathos, what the hell are you doing?"

"What?" The thief looked back at the mage, confused. It was then that he realized that Tyler was right in front of him, wearing a very evil smirk and pointing his lance at him. It was also then that he noticed that his dagger had accidentally poked the wyvern's wing, thus counting as an attack. And since he had attacked, Tyler could counter attack. "Ohhhh shit…"

"Good bye, little thief!" Tyler crowed in triumph, bringing his lance down.

"Ah!" Makathos quickly dropped to the ground, feeling the lance rip a sharp tear right through his cape. "Oh…My cloak…My precious cloak…"

"Hah! Take that, you Lycian dog!" Tyler shouted, shaking his spear in victory.

Before anyone else in the Ryerden Border Patrol could retaliate, however, the sky suddenly went gray for them and the story switched over to a different area, thus preventing them from doing anything that would be important to the storyline, such as attacking Tyler again. And thus, we perform a spectacular transition to the other side of this story, where the graceful soldiers of Santaruz have begun their assault.

_---TRANSITION---_

"Why haven't you killed them yet?" NM roared angrily, pointing at Sauce. "They should be dead! Deader than dead! Deader than a doorknob!"

"I'd love to, NM, but the thing is…I can't move." Sauce replied.

"Nonsense! Don't give me excuses! Give me reasons!" NM shouted.

"But…those are the same thing…" Sauce mumbled under his breath.

"They aren't the same thing because I haven't _said_ they're the same thing!" NM let out a loud hmph and looked superior. Because, you know, that's the only thing he's really good at. Being superior. Like one of those rich jackasses.

Now, let's just ignore the soldiers of Santaruz for a while and head over to the Kathlati forces, who were reeling in shock after the surprise attack set by Takada of the Ryerden Border Patrol. One must wonder how a guy covered in like…ten plates of armor can even set up an ambush, but alas we will never know.

"Oh my god! That's just so mean! How could that knight just walk up and attack poor Fred. I need to heal you!" Kate, the troubadour, lightly tapped her heal staff against the jagged wound in Fred's side. In one hundredth of a millisecond, the wound was gone and Fred was enjoying a lovely cappuccino. And all was good. Other than the knight that was attacking them.

"I shall call on the powers of K to destroy you!" Fred let out a ferocious roar and attacked the knight, swinging his lance. Unfortunately for him, all he managed to do was score a nice amount of scratches on Takada's armor. The return attack, however, did a lot more than just a couple of scratches. Which was bad. For Fred, not Takada.

And then the rest of the tour group attacked the Ryerden Border Patrol. There would be descriptions and HAWT battle scenes right now, but unfortunately this current author is running low in his little description bin and to be quite frank, he's lazy as well. Let's just say that the tour group attacked the Ryerden Border Patrol and that there were lots of explosions and cursing. And all was well. Because I said all was well.

_---TIME IS PASSING! WHOO!---_

"So wait, this is all a misunderstanding?" Sayan asked, looking at the troubadour in front of him. When Kate nodded, Sayan clenched his fists and punched Takada in the back of the head, forgetting about the fact that the knight was still dressed in his whole battle armor.

While Sayan was hopping around in agony, covering his throbbing hand with his robes, Makathos bowed to the healer, expressing his regret at the huge mistake. "I'm truly sorry about this. This was all a big misunderstanding. If you could just point us back towards Ryerde, we shall leave you alone."

"Oh, it's in this direction." Popuri, the pegasus knight, pointed behind her to the west.

"Thank you." Makathos bowed low enough to cover his hand, which was drifting into Fred's pouch and lifting a couple of coins. Once he had relieved the cavalier of some of his monetary possession, the thief straightened and smiled. "Thank you very much."

"We'll be going on our way, then." Kate said, motioned to the rest of her troop. "On towards Ostia! We have a party to go to! And Erk's there too!"

The Ryerden Border Patrol watched the Kathlati forces leave, some of them confused, some of them in extreme pain, and all of them wishing that they were back home. Speaking of home…

"That's it, I'm going home! This whole resistance thing is a big waste of my time!" Rikis shouted in exasperation. "We've managed to get in a fight with not only the Ryerden Border Patrol, but the Santaruz Army! With _three_ people, no less! This is stupid! I'm leaving!"

"Hah, you can't! You signed a contract! You are in this thing till you die!" Tyler held out a rolled-up scroll, tied with a giant, red ribbon. "The Resistance shall live on forever!"

"We aren't even resisting anything! I'm going home and that's final!" Rikis stormed off, his hands clenched tightly into fists. Relyte and Tyler exchanged glances.

"I dunno 'bout you, but I wanna go home too." Relyte drawled, looking at Rikis's disappearing figure. "This whole resistance thing hasn't been cool." He strolled after the myrmidon, leading his horse through the forest.

"Hey, wait! The Resistance needs you!" Tyler chased after them on his wyvern, screaming out recruitment poster stuff. Eventually, he disappeared in the horizon, and only the animals knew that he had ever been there. As well as the swordsman he had attacked.

Speaking of that swordsman (Great transitioning, huh?), he was currently trying to dodge great balls of fire that were flying for his face. Unfortunately, he missed one that hit him right in the pants and he quickly dropped to the floor and beat out the fire. Whilst the remainder of the Santaruz forces were laughing at Tharron's misfortune, the Ryerde forces launched a counterattack.

Long story cut short, Santaruz got pwned. Literally. They were sent running back to their home country, defeated by the all powerful glory that is the Ryerden Border Patrol. Which, by the way, defended an area of territory that wasn't even in Ryerde. So that was kind of pathetic, really. But all in all, Ryerde won and totally tromped everyone else. Why? Because Ryerde is cool and you know it.

"Uh…I guess we go home now, right?" Sayan looked at the others.

"Yeah. Just one problem…" Makathos mumbled.

"And that would be…"

"I forgot the directions."

"By Elimine, I should burn your head off!"

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Chris: Uh huh…Yeah, see, this is what comes from boredom and a very fun online game. Anyway, hope you didn't mind the rampant randomness too much. Leave a review if you wish and join FEBW! Because you know you want to! 

P.S.: This might get updated if I feel like it. Chances are, I won't feel like it. But it depends. I might find a really awesome game.


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